Where're my matches?

Colonel. I'm staying with you. You have a fireplace, right?

[Havoc wakes up in a strange house, as people do around here. But when he opened his eyes, that was the least of the surprises that waited for him. He first listened, before he moved. He didn't hear anything of note in the immediate vicinity. A ticking clock. A few kids screaming and hollering while playing outside. The low hum of the heater warming the house. His quiet, slow wakeup was interrupted by a racking, early morning smoker's cough.

Once it passed, he twisted his torso to look around the rest of the room. It was nice enough he supposed. But he wasn't where he was supposed to be. A glance out the window told him he was on the second story. Great. It was going to be humiliating to get back downstairs again.

He reached under his pillow for his old sidearm. Old habits die hard. But it was gone. Now he was really disturbed. All of his soldier's instincts were back to him now, full force. You can take the boy out of the army, but not the army out of the boy.

He flicked the covers off of his legs, and then it suddenly hit him. He could tell that the blanket was gone. He ran a hand over the pants of his pajamas and his jaw slacked. He could feel his hand on his legs. His bare feet were cold. He lifted his knees to his chest and the limbs obeyed. He turned and placed his feet on the floor. He braced one arm on the night stand, just in case this went how it usually did in therapy, and he ended up on his face.

But no. His legs were perfectly fine. No atrophy. No stiffness, no pain. No problem. He could feel a thrill of exhilaration well up inside of him. No. Now was not the time. He had to find out what was going on. He glanced around the room, looking for something that could serve as a decent weapon. He rummaged through the room, finally landing on a long wooden shoehorn. It wouldn't last, but it would do for now.

He pressed his back up against the wall alongside the door and opened it a crack. He peeked down the hall through the crack, before opening it a bit more so he could look down the hallway the other way.]

Well, looks like our new crab friends are making for a booming business. Not complaining, but I've probably been a bit stingy of late.

I'll be making better deals from here on out. Call it a sale, if you want. Because I'm not completely heartless.

Stay safe out there, everybody.

Colonel, Lieutenant, I'm moving into the shop. So you won't see me around as much. The boys built me a little bunk in the back corner. So it's fine.

Hey, Lieutenant, I've got a message to pass on from Clarence:

He says Hannah's doing better, her flu's almost gone. Ethan is going to surprise her with some chicken soup. Clarence says he hopes he doesn't blow up the kitchen in the meantime. He also says there's some rifles still in Kenny's Pawn Shop over on Odell Park. Unless Ulysses got to them first, anyway. I think I need to crack some skulls around here. Especially Teddy's.

That's all he had to say, but I need a hand with something. Ashley's birthday is coming up, and I want to make sure she's taken care of. I'll be asking Shannon and Hannah what she likes, but I want to know what you think too.

Peter and Orville said they were going to go uptown to see if they can find their old skateboards for the twins, Stella and Seamus. Ishmael and Benjamin say they're going to be following them a block back for when they inevitably get their asses kicked.

Lance and Ethan told Horatio and Oswald about that casserole, and they want to come try it out. And tell you about how Maurice still thinks he has a chance with Ursula after she caught him in bed with Naomi. Colin still doesn't know about that.

Meanwhile, Uma's still waiting for Lance to find her a bike. Umeko's looking for tea, and Saunders is still whining about not wanting to die a virgin.

...

Why are all of our friends insane? I'd kick 'em, if, y'know, I could. Maybe I should strap a bat to my chair for beating a clue into people.

Looks like I was just in time for that big party the other day. I'll leave that puzzle for people with a few more brains than I do to figure out. But in the meantime, I have a very important question for the lovely ladies of this city:

Anyone looking for a good time?

Inquire here or in person at Havoc Sundries.

Also I've been able to get my hands on a handful of chainsaws. Special discount if you use them to clear the crap out of the street between my store and the corner of Second and 23rd. Limited time offer, though! Take it while you can!